guy-renard asked: Bonjour, pretty thing.
You’re funny, sweetheart. A ‘hello’ to you, too.
It’s been a long time, but I just realized something partially amazing that has not yet occurred to me until this day.
I am so fucking single.
And this isn’t a rant about having no love-life. Not entirely.
All around me, other tenants and neighbors and students and classmates— they’re all in their own little triangles and other polygons that involve relationships. Love, love-hate, hate-love, deep liking of and all that. And usually I don’t care. I really, really don’t. Let people experience life and have some credit added to their name for braving out an obviously sure-as-hell-going-to-crash relationship. Good on them, ya know?
But… it’s not even amusing or thoughtful anymore. It’s a fact. It’s a clear fact, with evidence to be shown, and nothing to dispute it. I have literally seen everyone around me, even strangers that frequent the same path as I, in relationships. And I’m here.
Now this may just have to do with the fact that I’m a bitch with a personality that is generally off-putting, disturbing, or plain ‘bad-vibes’ to the general population I encounter. My work hours can go into it, too. I work- a lot. I study- a lot. And.. I don’t leave my apartment much, to think of it. But that doesn’t stop relationships from growing and developing.
It really doesn’t.
I have little to no friends. The vast majority have grown apart, and others I have not spoken to for a long time. Others I see everyday but they simply don’t care. This already contributes to the relationship factor and building ties with people. The network I once had, that caused me distractions and pleasure, and were a source of refreshment and anxiety and happiness all at once, has ceased to flow.
I’m single in that area of my life.
Now, going to the more literal and commonly used meaning- I have no romantic..anything. I love food, but I’m pretty sure the relationship is mixed there, after last night’s bout after having a lovely evening with some Thai food.. Moving on.
I mean, I’ve never really had anything going on with anyone. And no one has had any burning interests in me either. I’m not much of a catch, let’s be honest here. I’m mediocre when it comes to the aesthetically-pleasing category, above in intelligence and lacking in an agreeing personality. Even as an individual out and about, I have a habit of warding off potential.. anything due to sheer— nature of being.
There’s been nothing in middle school.
Nothing in High School.
And whatever they said about college when it comes to this was.. wrong in my case.
That’s not to say I’ve not had urges. There are times I want to go out there and be sociable and giggle and flirt- but I don’t do that. I can’t do that. My flirtations are blatant and unnerving, giggles the brays of a donkey, and my social behaviors last for a good twenty minutes before I return to the nearest source of food or shadow to sleep in. It’s my fault for
A) not wanting to be in atmospheres for potential… mates(?)
B) not trying to make an effort
C) having the behaviors I do.
I get that.
People always say there’s someone for everyone, no matter what. No matter the person, the age, the gender, etc. there’s a person for everyone, be it friend or lover.
That’s not true.
People die alone, be it due to bad-timing, birth-defects, health-issues, personality, and or looks, people die alone. Maybe they had relationships in the past, prospects and different perspectives, but that was the past and it was brief or long or whatever. But a lot just don’t.. have anything.
I think I just might be one of those people.
I’m not made out to contribute to the gene-pool; maybe I never really was, but at least now I’ve gained some sense. I’ve faced some truths. And if this isn’t it, then I’m pretty sure I’ll find love near death, which is always nice, ya know?
Enough bar-hopping and pointless online profiles. Enough forced smiles and wandering eyes. I’m tired of trying which, be it out of pure laziness or just genera annoyance, is good. Even if it has come from a partially negative space.
If friends find me, they find me.
If love finds me.. Well, shit, it’ll be a quick horror movie run-montage before I trip over some tree-root and it tackles me, ya know? Heh.
For now, all I need is a mug, my computer, and some food, clothes, and money.
I like those things. Maybe they like me back. They can’t contribute to the gene-pool, just like me. Woo. Similarities. Heheh, man, I’m some sorta mess. Oh yeah. Anyone who actually took time to read this, sorry. Have a good day. Night? Whatever.
P.S. Happy Mother’s Day, guys.
P.P.S. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m more amused- happy, i guess- then down in the dumps of self-loathing and despair. You’re free to be annoyed or anything else, though. This was long.
P.P.P.S. But if you’re sad, then that’s free too. Sorry about free-sadness.
let the bed bugs bite
ahh… i need some sleep
i don’t normally post porn sorry
Song: Cuil Theory
don’t yell at me
don’t yell at me
don’t yell at me
don’t yell at me
- instead of yelling try not yelling
if you ever yell at me, i promise you i will cry no matter who you are or what i did
I am a grown-ass adult and I don’t deal well with this. Or harsh tones of voice which I interpret as yelling, even though you may not have intended it that way. This move has been hellish for me.
His heart sank slightly when she began to get up, starting to make plans to stay there and finish his homework on his own, when she stopped and quickly made the redhead’s evening by calling for him to come along. In a hurry, he gathered up his things and followed after her, trying not to let his expression give away how pleased he was.
It was the sort of thing that showed Kasanoda he’d found a friend in this person, something that always meant a great deal to him. He was happy to make new friends, and even happier to spend time with one of them, to find that one of them wanted to spend time with him. It blew his mind, in a way, that anyone would want to spend time with him, but he certainly wasn’t complaining.
“Naw, I don’t need to be home or anything, coffee sounds good.” he replied happily, falling back into his easygoing stride. “I dunno of anywhere too close to the library, though, do you?” he asked, turning his head towards the elder. Most of the places he knew were in the area surrounding Ouran, and that was certainly a long walk from the library.
Brianna nodded to herself, before melting into thought. The library wasn’t a central hub of immediate accesses, but they were nearby. “Yeah. Just a few blocks down,” she said, starting out down the street. She linked her arm with the red-head’s own, tugging him along as she walked with him. An easy pace. “Whaddya want? I’ll get you something nice- the shop I know has some good snacks, too, so if you want something to eat, should be there, too..”
The woman began talking to herself, trying to remember the ‘menu options’ that the cafe provided. It consumed most of her mind- a wonder how she didn’t lead them into oncoming traffic and mobs of people. Looking back up to the younger man, she smiled apologetically. “Sorry, I was lost in my own thoughts. But you probably heard ‘em anyways,” she chuckled, before looking ahead.
“Ah- there we go.” It was a little place, set up between two other establishments on the street. Brianna- again- tugged her friend and pupil along, already digging around in her bag for her wallet. “You know what you want, or want to go look at the menu?”